Coping post conviction

Convicted Driver Insurance

Louise 73

Active member
I don't know if there is any advice any one can give. I was convicted early last month and now it's really started to sink in. Ive cut my self off from the world as I don't know how to face people. I can't tell anyone for the sake of protecting the dignity of my 10 year old. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't know life without a car so automatically people will know something is up. On the back of this, I now just hide in my house and cry. Does this dark cloud and feeling of being the most discusting person on earth ever go away? I'm finding the conviction so hard to accept due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was an act of being in utter dispare and was such a low reading. I think I could deal with it better if I had acted out of complete disregard for the law I.e. I Was on a night out drinking and thought f the law
 

Jimbob

Well-known member
Sounds like you need to speak to someone. I haven't experienced what you are so all l could suggest is speaking to a really good friend, family member or if you're really bad Samaritans or if you think medical help is needed your gp
 

Luna2000

Well-known member
I don't know if there is any advice any one can give. I was convicted early last month and now it's really started to sink in. Ive cut my self off from the world as I don't know how to face people. I can't tell anyone for the sake of protecting the dignity of my 10 year old. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't know life without a car so automatically people will know something is up. On the back of this, I now just hide in my house and cry. Does this dark cloud and feeling of being the most discusting person on earth ever go away? I'm finding the conviction so hard to accept due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was an act of being in utter dispare and was such a low reading. I think I could deal with it better if I had acted out of complete disregard for the law I.e. I Was on a night out drinking and thought f the law
Hi Louise. Sorry to hear that you feel so depressed about this. You say your reading was 'low' but what was it exactly? I can guarantee you that EVERYONE who drinks alcohol and drives has at some time been over the driving limit. Everyone, without fail, especially those that take the approach of 'I've only had a few pints.' From what you have said you obviously had a drink somewhere, but because it was only one, thought you were okay. I was on a Drink Driver Awareness course and at least half of the people there were in exactly the same situation as you and most of them were very young i.e. 18 to 30.

I have no idea if you are drinking too much, but feeling depressed on top of alcohol will not in anyway help. If you feel you are drinking to excess or to drown your sorrows, then AA might not be a bad choice for you. I joined AA 2 years ago and haven't had a drink since then. What surprised me were the number of people I knew who were in AA that I didn't know were members before I went.

If your case did not appear in the local newspaper, then it is unlikely that your neighbours will have any idea why you have suddenly stopped driving, and to be honest it is none of their business. You might be saying 'well that's easy for you to say,' but I have been banned twice since April 2016 and my current ban is not up until October 11th this year. It it wasn't a case of one wee drink putting me over the limit.

Only a few close friends and some relatives know about my ban and if anyone else asks, I simply say I am on medication and have decided not to drive 'just in case.' None of your neighbours need an explanation.

In Scotland, 1 pint of beer can put you over the limit and 2 pints definitely will. Elsewhere, it will be 2 pints.

I know you have a 10 year old, but one thing you cannot do is drive until you get your licence back. That will only make things worse as you will eventually be caught.
 

Louise 73

Active member
Thanks for your replies. I have no family, only 2 friends that I can trust I have told but apart from talking on them on the phone as we don't live anywhere near each other anymore there's not much they can do. I only drink rarely but on this occasion something happend and I needed to flea the situation and I'd had a drink to calm me down, can't remember the reading to hand, it was a urine reading but it was low. Anyway its more about going forward and I just feel like I can't step foot across the front door as it's tattooed on my forehead that I have a dirty secret. I saw a neighbour a few weeks back who said 'I didn't think you had been staying at home for a while as I havnt seen your car' I just didn't know what to say so I just dismissed it by saying. Yes I'm fine thanks. What did you say to people who don't need to know but innocently come out with things such as what my neighbour did? I was thinking of saying something to the effect of, I've had an accident an can't bring myself to drive again
 

Luna2000

Well-known member
Thanks for your replies. I have no family, only 2 friends that I can trust I have told but apart from talking on them on the phone as we don't live anywhere near each other anymore there's not much they can do. I only drink rarely but on this occasion something happend and I needed to flea the situation and I'd had a drink to calm me down, can't remember the reading to hand, it was a urine reading but it was low. Anyway its more about going forward and I just feel like I can't step foot across the front door as it's tattooed on my forehead that I have a dirty secret. I saw a neighbour a few weeks back who said 'I didn't think you had been staying at home for a while as I havnt seen your car' I just didn't know what to say so I just dismissed it by saying. Yes I'm fine thanks. What did you say to people who don't need to know but innocently come out with things such as what my neighbour did? I was thinking of saying something to the effect of, I've had an accident an can't bring myself to drive again
Louise, you say you had to 'flee' the situation you were in. Was it life threatening (for you?) If so, did your solicitor raise this with the court, as this is one of the only reasons you are 'allowed' to drive when over the limit, (if your life was in immediate danger.)

Your idea of saying you have had an accident and are too 'nervous' to drive might not be a bad one. Just make it a statement and don''t try and elaborate. You don't say if your child knows, but if they don't I wouldn't raise it with them and if they do, ask them to simply say when/if asked, that they don't know and the person asking will need to speak with you.

I know it is of little consolation, but there are on average 100,000 people every year convicted of drink driving.
 

BigRegret

Member
Hi Louise,

I'm also sorry to hear how low you are feeling and relate to your deep sense of sadness. I felt exactly the same initially, I avoided leaving the house at all costs feeling that everyone, even those driving past on the road knew what had happened. When I went for a walk, to the shop and even getting on a bus, I just felt like everyone knew but the reality is, they don't. Apart from my family, a few close friends and my employer I didn't share it with anyone else. I also cried alot, and avoided speaking to anyone I knew as I didn't know what to say about my car sitting on the drive but not being used.

I think it's healthy to grieve in any situation of loss, as part of coming to terms with what happened you have to allow yourself the time and space to work through your feelings and process it all after the initial shock is over and the reality is ahead of you. This went on for quite some time for me even after my court date. I also was very dependent on my car, living in a rural area and felt daunted by the prospect of getting around for work, shopping and other essential trips. I felt as though I would never be able to get through it all. But... we are far more resourceful and stronger than we realise. Those I had confided in saw me as the person I am and not this one mistake I had made, the hate and shame was all inside of me directed to me. So, here's what I did and I hope it will help you too.

I made a decision to accept and own the dreadful mistake, it was either going to ruin me or I had to 'own' and learn from it. I started taking care of myself, I joined a gym, which I understand may not be possible for you with a young child, but you can still gets lots of exercise by walking, or there are lots of free online workouts. I have never walked so much in my life and I began to enjoy it, walking to the shops, the gym, walking the dog. I got used to using buses. I began to appreciate and be thankful for everything I had, just being alive and I thought about people and families who were much less fortunate than myself especially when the pandemic hit and families were losing loved ones. I made sure to eat properly and get enough sleep as I readjusted to a new way of life.

All these things are little but when you add them altogether they add up to a whole lot more. I think what I am trying to say is if you can focus on the good things you have, your health, your son, the simple things in life, it will help take your attention and focus away from what happened. You have your son and you have you. It doesn't happen overnight, but gradually if you look after yourself physically and mentally you will start to feel better. I still feel guilt and shame over what happened but I have learned to accept it and and forgive myself and move on. The time of your ban will pass one way or another so use this time to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself and grow from what has happened. I am grateful for everything I have these days because it could have been so much worse.

In terms of enquiring neighbours, I had one of those too, dying to know what had happened but I never enlightened her. If she instigated any conversation about the car, I made a flip comment and changed the subject quickly or just carried on with what I was doing. If it helps just use the comment you made about being on medication if that is easier and I'm sure that would shut down a conversation pretty quickly as nobody would be as rude to delve further.

I have my license back but even these days I feel guilty getting it out to drive to the local shop as I am so used to walking the mile it takes to get there. Baby steps, one at a time, will help you get to a better place.

The important thing is to remember you will feel better and anything you can do to help that will speed that up.

Sorry, for the long ramble, there are many on this forum that have been through this and are still going through it so you are not alone. This is an absolutely excellent forum and helped me not only with information but when I felt down, lonely, lost it was a comfort to read through others posts and feel part of the community, in fact it really helped get me through.

I hope this helps even just a little and helps to know you will not feel like this forever.
 

HamilcarBarca

New member
You are being too hard on yourself. Would you be surprised if I told you a person I know who is judgemental towards drink drivers has just admitted that they themselves knowingly broke the law themselves, and drove drunk? Lots more people than admit it have driven over the limit, and some people kid themselves
A person can lose their licence for personal medical reasons, so others have no business prying.
 

Nicole20

Member
I don't know if there is any advice any one can give. I was convicted early last month and now it's really started to sink in. Ive cut my self off from the world as I don't know how to face people. I can't tell anyone for the sake of protecting the dignity of my 10 year old. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't know life without a car so automatically people will know something is up. On the back of this, I now just hide in my house and cry. Does this dark cloud and feeling of being the most discusting person on earth ever go away? I'm finding the conviction so hard to accept due to the circumstances surrounding it, it was an act of being in utter dispare and was such a low reading. I think I could deal with it better if I had acted out of complete disregard for the law I.e. I Was on a night out drinking and thought f the law
Lovely lady. I so relate to this. I promise over time it will get better. Just like you I have a young child. I retreated and hid away too. The dark cloud will pass. Take a day at a time. Everyone makes mistakes and you are human. I used the experience to make positive changes to my life, I am about to start my own well-being business and changed career as well as doing some volunteering as for me to heal I felt I needed to give back. CBT also really helped. Any type of counselling therapy if you can get. I hope your cloud lifts soon. You are not alone. This site helped me so much, there are some wonderful, supportive people on here. Take care.
 

Tess1234

Well-known member
Hi Louise,

I'm also sorry to hear how low you are feeling and relate to your deep sense of sadness. I felt exactly the same initially, I avoided leaving the house at all costs feeling that everyone, even those driving past on the road knew what had happened. When I went for a walk, to the shop and even getting on a bus, I just felt like everyone knew but the reality is, they don't. Apart from my family, a few close friends and my employer I didn't share it with anyone else. I also cried alot, and avoided speaking to anyone I knew as I didn't know what to say about my car sitting on the drive but not being used.

I think it's healthy to grieve in any situation of loss, as part of coming to terms with what happened you have to allow yourself the time and space to work through your feelings and process it all after the initial shock is over and the reality is ahead of you. This went on for quite some time for me even after my court date. I also was very dependent on my car, living in a rural area and felt daunted by the prospect of getting around for work, shopping and other essential trips. I felt as though I would never be able to get through it all. But... we are far more resourceful and stronger than we realise. Those I had confided in saw me as the person I am and not this one mistake I had made, the hate and shame was all inside of me directed to me. So, here's what I did and I hope it will help you too.

I made a decision to accept and own the dreadful mistake, it was either going to ruin me or I had to 'own' and learn from it. I started taking care of myself, I joined a gym, which I understand may not be possible for you with a young child, but you can still gets lots of exercise by walking, or there are lots of free online workouts. I have never walked so much in my life and I began to enjoy it, walking to the shops, the gym, walking the dog. I got used to using buses. I began to appreciate and be thankful for everything I had, just being alive and I thought about people and families who were much less fortunate than myself especially when the pandemic hit and families were losing loved ones. I made sure to eat properly and get enough sleep as I readjusted to a new way of life.

All these things are little but when you add them altogether they add up to a whole lot more. I think what I am trying to say is if you can focus on the good things you have, your health, your son, the simple things in life, it will help take your attention and focus away from what happened. You have your son and you have you. It doesn't happen overnight, but gradually if you look after yourself physically and mentally you will start to feel better. I still feel guilt and shame over what happened but I have learned to accept it and and forgive myself and move on. The time of your ban will pass one way or another so use this time to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself and grow from what has happened. I am grateful for everything I have these days because it could have been so much worse.

In terms of enquiring neighbours, I had one of those too, dying to know what had happened but I never enlightened her. If she instigated any conversation about the car, I made a flip comment and changed the subject quickly or just carried on with what I was doing. If it helps just use the comment you made about being on medication if that is easier and I'm sure that would shut down a conversation pretty quickly as nobody would be as rude to delve further.

I have my license back but even these days I feel guilty getting it out to drive to the local shop as I am so used to walking the mile it takes to get there. Baby steps, one at a time, will help you get to a better place.

The important thing is to remember you will feel better and anything you can do to help that will speed that up.

Sorry, for the long ramble, there are many on this forum that have been through this and are still going through it so you are not alone. This is an absolutely excellent forum and helped me not only with information but when I felt down, lonely, lost it was a comfort to read through others posts and feel part of the community, in fact it really helped get me through.

I hope this helps even just a little and helps to know you will not feel like this forever.
One of the nicest posts I’ve read on here ❤

I was exactly the same as you OP. It does pass and it does get easier. I will carry the guilt and shame always but I’ve learned to live with it and I feel I’m a better person because of it as it’s taught me to be grateful for what I’ve got. Things could have been a lot worse and thank god nobody was hurt.

You are not your mistakes. Remember that.
 
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